If it’s Thursday, it must be time for something completely different:

And from the Weekly World News, the gang with much more credibility than Bill O’Reilly and the bloviators at Fox News, we have:

Now You Can Put An End To Starvation & Depravation:
NEW! A DIET FOR FATTIES - EAT ALL THE SWEETS & TREATS YOU WANT ON THE NORTH BEACH DIET!
By Dorian Wagner, January 10, 2005

Are you tired of starvation, deprivation, unhappiness, and irritation on diets trying to make yourself look like a stick-thin model?

Now, there's a revolutionary new diet book that lets you have your cake and eat it too -- The North Beach Diet.

Designed to be the opposite of the popular South Beach Diet, Kim Bailey's North Beach system encourages those on his diet to eat whenever -- and whatever -- they want, especially if it has something to do with fried foods and snack cakes.

"I choose to live my life as intended -- stuffed and happy -- and invite you to join me," Bailey says. "Food is by far the best friend you'll ever have."

He claims future fatties can literally be two sizes bigger in just one weekend by following his easy "Eat-Till-You-Drop Diet."

"I gained 145 pounds in just six months, became emotionally insulated and allowed food to control every aspect of my life -- and now you can too," he boasts.

As Bailey points out, "stressed" spelled backward is "desserts," and nothing is a better emotional outlet than food. The more you eat, the happier you get.

And once you've set your sights on that blissful bulge, the best thing you can do is "eat massive amounts of food constantly throughout the day, without binge eating," he says.

The secret is not to stop. There's even a "Seven-Day Quick Gorge Program" that can jumpstart your success.

Is this great or what, in just four paragraphs, you're stimulated to "supersize" yourself. Thank goodness we got the early word on this so we can buy stock in "big and tall" shops. Whew, I whould have hated to miss that opportunity.

The North Beach Diet is full of recipes for indulgent entrees and decadent desserts sure to make you pack on the pounds. No tiny portions or carrot sticks. We're talking battered, fried Twinkies [yum?], 7- layer Nabisco English trifle and thick potato chip and Miracle Whip sandwiches.

Bailey boasts you'll "never have to eat fruits, unless they are baked in a cobbler or pie and topped with lots of rich ice cream and caramel, or vegetables without buttered bread crumbs or cheddar cheese sauce."

Not only that, but he actually recommends no less than two desserts per day.

And as in all diet books, Bailey's even included an exercise section. You can stay on your couch for life with his specially designed programs like Nordic- Snack, pie-lates and "Relaxin' to the oldies."

There's even a journal section to keep track of your success.

"Keep committed to your commitment," he says, "and we will all see each other in Heaven's little burger stand in the sky."

Yep, the Weekly World News, they’re really lookin’ out for you!